Writings by Jewel

Loss

At its deepest level, loss dismantles our identity. It is a fierce teaching. Whether we like it or not we are catapulted into the death and rebirth process.  Being stripped to the bone forces us to examine the bare essence of what we are. We discover what is truly important and what is nonessential to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual survival.  Loss impresses upon us the temporal nature of life. We are forced to let go of things that are precious to us and reminded that nothing lasts forever or belongs to us. In the process we are transformed, illumined, and reborn like a phoenix rising out of the fire.

Death

In the year when four loved ones died I learned a valuable thing:
letting go is something people talk a lot about but it is not something we can really understand until something we love is ripped from our hands. 
What surprised me the most was that the raw grieving that we are programmed to avoid at all costs IS the threshold to healing.
It simply takes everything with it like a flash flood.
In an odd, strange way I found great comfort in it, I could not hold it down or back or avoid it, it came like the dark skies of a thunderstorm, where by the time you look up and see what's coming it is here already and you find yourself not bothering to run because you are already soaked to the bone.
How does one take the hand of another to that place?  How does one willing go into the land of the dead and walk amongst the howling sobs of loss?
All I know is if we give ourselves willingly to it, life returns like the spring just when we have accepted we will never see the sun again.
Could this be the only way we can trust that our very own death can be something worthy of our trust.  Leaving the land of the familiar to cross the threshold of what is unknown with our head up facing forward and palms wide open.

Dying Before You Die

This life is like a sand castle built on the beach in a frenzie of activity in the time between the low and hide tide. Each contour and detail added feel somehow significant and meaningful, and the process of building, making it sturdy in order to believe it will be there tomorrow, standing strong.  BUT, the ocean tide comes in, the inevitable truth of impermanence.  Coming closer and closer in, till it laps at the edges of this castle, dissolving it, taking it back to itself into the ONE.

Being in the process of dissolving is quite something.  For decades I believed in a flash sort of enlightenment where in one blissful instant you go from one reality to another like crossing a threshold from hell to heaven, never to step foot in the other world again. 

But my experience tells me otherwise. It has been a process of waking up SLOWLY. Noticing the frame of reference shifting from an "i" to what is experienced as something looking through these eyes that is much more fluid and can't be defined in words.  The process has been like a slow dismemberment, losing an arm one week and an eye the next, but in the end it takes everything.

We each will cross into this territory, whether it is before we die or when we die is the only question, but dying is inevitable.  Dying before you die has it's advantages. As we loosen the grip of fear within us we feel the hands of something greater than ourselves holding us. The ego driven, separate self becomes more open and willing to allow God, or Awareness or whatever you want to call it take the wheel.  And when we aren't perceiving life through the false reality we made we awaken to the grandeur and beauty that is truly stunning to behold.   So I recommend dying before you die.

Becoming

In the rich dark soil
of the underworld

I dream of
being a lump of red clay
held and molded by kind hands
into a bird
breaking into fervent song
and taking flight

I dream of
being a shooting star
in one moment of unabashed pleasure
traversing the night sky
then falling gracefully
into eternity

I dream of
being an old woman
skirt hiked up
stepping into the aqua blue water
drawn in by the patterns of light dancing on the waves
swimming back in time
till I am an infant
crying it’s first breath.

Lost and Found

I confess that I knew beforehand
that I was heading straight into the line of fire
but it simply didn't matter any more
I finally had the courage to say things that were never said

I looked very carefully because I knew I would never again see it the same way
it is something that only happens once
and then vanishes
soft petals falling slowly to the ground

I did everything in my power
to make sure that nothing was lost or forgotten
I held a peeled switch in my hand
not seeing that it was tainted with the sense of possession

If someone were to ask you
if you could undo the damage
What would you say?
When we touch one thing we touch everything

straight down the hill at a full run
I made my way to the statue
almost every day I went there
Sometimes just to touch it was enough

It was private property
and I promised to keep it safe
I felt wholesome in it's company
lying in the grasses of my beloved's meadow

the interruptions of doubt and belief
led this way and that like snake tracks
relinquishing the paved road of what is known
for the sun warmed earth under my belly

And perhaps an even greater blessing was
that in the middle of the night
I realized my troubles do not belong to me
and I dreamed the dreams of the innocent

It all flew away like birds
and I knew God would give me more when I gave
how much or how little
no longer mattered

I was softened by honesty
free of pollution
part of the trees, the rocks and the stream, and the mountains
longing for nothing

and for some strange reason
I no longer had to justify my own existence
simultaneously annihilated and reborn
my warm body breathing it's first breath